Mental Load: Collaborating for Family Balance
Men have mostly been excluded from conversations about the emotional and physical toll of pregnancy and birth. Over the last two decades, pregnancy has been elevated as an important rite of passage for many women. As ideal as that sounds, the reality is that birthing in the community setting (home birth or birth center) shifts a lot of responsibility to the expectant couple.
We have written this blog to help you understand some of the needs your partner has as she enters motherhood so you can support her more effectively.
Most couples have a reasonable division of responsibilities that works for them. But, when your baby is born, the responsibilities change. And, the division of labor will shift in ways you may not have even considered.
This blog article aims to give men a glimpse into the complexities of their partner’s experience so they can be more aware of the needs she has and the important role you can play supporting your baby and your partner.
Understanding the Mental Load Women Carry
The concept of the mental load, often described as the invisible, cognitive burden of managing daily life and household tasks, disproportionately impacts women. It involves keeping track of appointments, managing household schedules, anticipating future needs, and juggling multiple tasks simultaneously. During pregnancy, labor, and the postpartum period, this load can increase exponentially as women adapt to physical, emotional, and lifestyle changes while navigating their roles as mothers.
The Weight of the Mental Load
The mental load often means being the household’s project manager, even when tasks are distributed among partners. During pregnancy and postpartum, responsibilities shift and grow: managing healthcare appointments, preparing for birth, and eventually caring for a newborn.
When the baby is born, your partner will need to be on bedrest for the first week, and after that they will be on very low activity for the first month.
During that time, the bulk of the responsibility for the household, her nutrition, and the family schedule will need to shift away from her . . . to you.
She will not be able to prepare meals, clean up after meals, or do household chores for at least the first week — and ideally not for the first 3 weeks minimum. That means meals will need to be planned and prepared by someone else, and served to her in bed for at least a week (or longer).
You can begin putting systems in place that will make this transition into parenthood easier — starting now.
How Male Partners Can Share the Load
Proactive Planning and Communication: Initiate conversations about how to tackle the daily or upcoming tasks. Instead of waiting for instructions or guidance, offer a plan that covers meals, housekeeping, and appointments.
Be a Healthcare Partner: Accompany her to prenatal and postpartum appointments when possible. Learn about the stages of pregnancy, potential challenges during labor, and postpartum recovery. Understand common postpartum conditions like postpartum depression and anxiety, and be ready to recognize symptoms and offer support.
Handle Household Responsibilities: Take ownership of routine tasks like meal planning, laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping. Aim to accomplish these independently without needing specific directions.
Educate Yourself About Newborn Care: Read up on newborn care basics, like feeding, diaper changes, and soothing techniques. Take on a fair share of nighttime duties and household chores. Consider taking a class to learn more about baby care.
Build a Support Network: Organize support from family members, friends, or doulas where possible. This could include meal preparation, babysitting older children, or simply providing emotional support.
Recognize Emotional Needs: Pregnancy and postpartum periods can be mentally exhausting. Offer emotional support without judgment or problem-solving unless she asks for advice. Create a safe space for her to express fears, joys, and worries.
Offer Personal Time: Ensure she gets time for herself by taking over baby duty. Encourage her to rest, engage in hobbies, or simply take a breather.
Take Parental Leave: If feasible, take time off work or adjust your schedule to be available during crucial early weeks after birth. Your presence provides emotional and practical support during a transformative time.
Check Your Own Mental Load: Be mindful of your well-being and emotions. Supporting a partner while neglecting your needs can lead to burnout. If you’re overwhelmed, seek help from friends, family, or professionals.
Ultimately, being a supportive partner involves anticipating needs and offering help in ways that don’t require your partner to supervise or manage you. Share the mental load by proactively contributing to the shared responsibilities and adjusting your role to ensure the family functions smoothly during this pivotal time.
